Sunday, July 31, 2011

Maybe it’s because it’s been just over two years since I graduated with my MFA, or because my husband, Damien, just graduated with his MA, or some combination of the two, or neither. Whatever the reason, I’ve been daydreaming about—romanticizing, again—my time as a graduate student. Aside from the fact that those were some fun, carefree times for me, during my last two years in my program at UAF, I was at my peak of productivity as a writer. Since graduating, I’ve published a book, yes, and I’ve published several short pieces in journals as well, but as far as time spent in front of the computer actually writing, I’ve never been able to match what I was logging as a grad student.

Sometimes as a grad student I would complain about how being an MFA student didn’t afford me the time to write I’d thought it would. Looking back on it now, of course, I know that’s demonstrably untrue. I had to do a lot of reading and paper writing, studying for the comps exam, teaching, and tutoring at the university’s Writing Center, but let’s be honest, I still had several hours a day leftover in which to write. And I used it. I did. I wrote a lot during that time. The majority of my book is comprised of stories I wrote in grad school.

There are a number of reasons why I haven’t written as much since then. Teaching three classes at a time—and in one awful, stressful quarter, four—has kept me far busier than teaching one and taking two or three ever did. Working under deadline to polish and edit a book took time away from new writing. Dealing with the crushing realization that having a published book means very little in the grand scheme of things brought on feelings of depression, which were difficult for me to write through, and, naturally, preparing to have a baby has kept me pretty distracted.

The past week, though, I’ve been writing more and more, and I’ve been feeling more like my old, MFA student (as opposed to MFA graduate) self. Anytime I experience a shift in my drive or abilities as a writer, I look at the variables in my life and ask myself what might have caused the shift. This week there was one glaring change in my life: Damien, who’s been working part time as the Managing Editor of New Ohio Review since July first, began teaching a summer course in addition to his editorial duties. Where he had been spending four hours at the office Monday through Friday, he’s now gone for six to seven hours a day.

I, on the other hand, haven’t been working at all. I wasn’t able to line up any summer classes, and I wasn’t able to find another summer job as no one particularly wanted to hire a big, fat pregnant lady who’s just going to quit when her due date gets close. At first, when Damien started the Managing Editor job, I told myself I would spend at least half the time he was gone writing. But it didn’t work out that way. I have prenatal yoga to do, and I’ve also been spending an hour or two a day on household chores (I am, after all, a housewife now—how odd). Add to that showering and other basic life activities (like making and eating breakfast and lunch), and by the time Damien would arrive home from his four hours at the office, I usually either hadn’t written at all, or had only written for half an hour or so.

But now that he’s gone for six or seven hours, I have been writing for a good hour or two every day, and I’ve been reading a lot, too—what a wonderful feeling! Because we now live an extra mile from campus and because it’s been very, very hot and humid this summer, I’ve been getting up early with Damien to give him a ride to work. When I get home, I do my prenatal yoga, shower, eat, then write and read for a few hours until I decide it’s time to get on top of the chores.

And you know what I realized? This is a lot like the routine I had going when I was in grad school. In Alaska, Damien worked from 6:30-2:30 and would get up at 5:30 to get ready. I’d get up with him, so I could have coffee and spend a little time with him before he went in. Then, when he left, I’d exercise for an hour or so and write until it was time for me to get ready to go to campus (usually not until ten or eleven at the earliest). Replace the household chores I do now with the schoolwork and teaching I did then, and the schedule is very similar. In both cases, what affords me the time to write is the fact that I get up early—even though some days I’d rather not—to ensure that I’ll have time to get everything done and still have time to write before the end of the day, when Damien and I are both home together. Because I love my husband and would rather hang out with him, honestly, than do anything, including writing, I know if I haven’t written by that point in the day, I won’t. I simply won’t.

The idea of getting up early to write is nothing new. Many writers swear by it. I’m sure for some people it’s necessary and for others it isn’t, but for me, it is. I should have known that by now. I definitely do my best writing earlier in the morning, before anything much has happened to distract me from my made up worlds, and as much as I love sleep, I love the satisfaction of getting in a good hour or two of writing time more. Routine, for me, helps a lot too. The two things combined are, finally, allowing me to recapture some of that productivity (and positivity) that I felt back when I was in grad school. Hurray! May it last and last!

3 comments:

  1. There is a movie that I strongly encourage you to watch. It's about a woman who, early in her career, becomes a writer. After getting married and having children she finds that she no longer has the time or the attention span to write. Don't worry - it has a happy ending. For some reason this movie made me think of you. It's called Motherhood; with Uma Thurman. Enjoy it and remember that the things that our lives are made of do not define us, rather we define the things that make our lives complete.

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  2. It's good to note also that after you have kids writing has to become more of a priority over other, smaller things. Sometimes my apartment is dirty. I have to force myself to write instead of cleaning. Sometimes I don't exercise at all. Sometimes I have to let my son distract himself while I work, which I know you can't really do with a baby. Sometimes I have to make Ike and Dylan leave the house to do something fun together. It's especially hard to work around your family, who you love and want to spend time with. However, sometimes you have to give each family member space or nothing whatsoever gets finished. Working at home can be especially hard. Babies wake up early and wake up unexpectedly and need so much attention. When you're dealing with small children you have to adapt and squeeze in any amount of writing you can. It's amazing to find you can write something in fifteen minutes and in strange circumstances, for example by a bus stop next to a highway with heavy traffic while standing and while people in every car stare at you. You will adapt naturally and you will have to take measures to have time, even if that means scribbling down notes and ideas while having a conversation with your child about Scooby Doo and then actually writing those ideas when the child is sleeping. Just remember, babysitters are fabulous.

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  3. Ooh, I'll have to watch Motherhood. I had never even heard of it before.

    I think the fact that writing has to become more of a priority after the baby is born might be a good motivator for me. I've noticed that if I have more than enough time in which to write, I sometimes still don't do it. I'll look at my day and say, "Okay, I need to exercise, I need to do some housework, and I need to write. Which should I do first?" If I don't start with the writing, it's very likely that I'll end up never getting around to it. If I only have a very limited amount of time to write, and what time I do have comes at odd moments here and there throughout the day, I think I'll be more likely to snatch it and use the time more effectively.

    The hardest part for me will be choosing to write instead of doing chores or exercising--not doing any of those things makes me feel guilty, but you're right, if you only have a small amount of time, you have to prioritize, and if I want to continue on as a writer, I have to make writing a top priority. You're a huge inspiration to me, Jayme, and thinking about how you juggle everything and still manage to spend a ton of time writing will also probably help to keep me motivated. You're one of the most hard working writers I can think of, and reminding myself that other people have managed to find time to write amidst all the chaos will hopefully force me to find the time, too.

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